just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
