I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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