I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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