you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
