Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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