i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
