Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
