It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize