new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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