Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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