Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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