I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize