you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Green mimosas i think yes
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize