There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize