In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
