i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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