Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
