getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize