Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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