I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
