Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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