Say something about gay babies.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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