First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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