Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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