You really coming over, don't trick.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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