Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you inspire me to be a worse person
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
