Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
