Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
