i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
