I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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