guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
