I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize