Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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