The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she pinky promised me she was 18
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
