Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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