I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
