we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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