If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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