every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize