Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
