allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
