I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
