1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
