New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
