I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
That was an excessively violent trivia night
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
