My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
