guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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