so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
