I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
