So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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