On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Will you blow on my dice?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
