Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
