lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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