There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
