Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
