I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
