she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
